Shame is a sensation that I work with often. In my client work, my personal work, and with beloved people in my life. I find that shame is an emotion that quickly escalates in the body and mind, telling stories that isolate and control the individual in such a way that it feeds itself. I also find that in many spaces shame is mirrored relationally which maintains a grip over the person experiencing shame.
Shame tells us we are out of alignment with our beliefs, values, desires, and actions. It is a way that we invite ourselves back to ourselves. I often witness when someone is feeling shame they are acting out (literally acting out of alignment with their true self) and the people around them often reject this version of them (feeding into the shame cycle). When this happens the ruptures can often become so deep that people have a hard time coming back to repair. Thus leaving an incomplete cycle and a shame postule raring to burst again.
Often, when someone is in a shame response they will be defensive or shut down. These can be difficult expressions to navigate when in relationship with another person. It is always ok to lovingly walk away for a minute or ask for time to process what you are experiencing and its also incredibly healing when you can come through shame together. Easy ways to talk to shame when you are with someone who is acting out of alignment with the person you know is to show curiosity. Ask questions. That didn’t feel very good, would you like to try again? Can you try saying that a different way? Are you feeling in alignment with how you want to be relationally right now?
As the person experiencing shame, it can be hard to right the ship in the moment. Shame builds on itself. If possible, invite curiosity to yourself. What am I wanting to convey in this conversation? Is there something that could help me soothe in this moment? If some clarity comes forward act on it. Give yourself permission to ask for or receive the care in this moment. Take a beat and move your body. Shame often holds us in a freeze state in the body. We feel under attack so there is also fight present. Shake it off. Breathe and move. Clear it out so you can find your alignment back to self.